by Anthony Ellison
I have given myself authority on the subject of apology writing after studying, in relative depth, the contents of the website www.perfectapology.com. I was prompted by an apology email sent to my improv team, Counter Productive Lover by one of our members. Take with me, a journey to center of Counter Intuitiveness.
Here is the actual apology, which I will break down phrase by phrase and point out which of the “Don’ts” she “did”:
Hey everyone,
Scott acted as a liason and said that someone complained to him about my being consistently late to rehearsals and shows so I thought I’d take this opportunity to apologize. Please know that I am aware I am usually late, I don’t feel good about it, but that I have been making an effort and will continue to make more of an effort to be on time. Two weeks ago (at Schadenfreude) I was one of the first people there, last week I was on time, and this week I walked in at 7:01. So, see? I’m trying. If you don’t care about my excuse, stop reading now and know that I will try and be on time from here on out.
I have heard before that lateness is a sign of arrogance-that by being late you are saying that you think what you are doing is more important than the scheduled thing, and I agree with that. In my case, though, it’s like 40% arrrogance (I could rush more) and 60% that Tuesday is the only day I work until 5 and I have to go home and walk the dog between work and rehearsal. So it’s not like I’m sitting at home masturbating. I masturbate on Thursdays ususally.
So, yeah. Sorry I am an asshole. An effort being made. And if I am going to be late I’ll call a few of you in case one of you doesn’t get the message.
Amy
P.S. Speaking of, I won’t be at rehearsal next week because I’m going to Florida.
1. What you don’t see is that the subject line of this email was “my retardiness”- In classic Amy fashion without the respect of even capitalizing the first letters of the words. Vintage. Vintage Amy.
2. “Scott acted as a liason and said that someone complained to him about my being consistently late to rehearsals and shows so I thought I’d take this opportunity to apologize.” – Clearly she has broken a key ‘Don’t’. Deferring the responsibility and minimizing the significance of the complaint by focusing more on the fact that “Someone” can’t say it to her face. However, she does demonstrate her rural American roots by viewing this situation as an “opportunity”.
3. “Please know that I am aware I am usually late, I don’t feel good about it,”- Two blatant violations of the apology code in one half of a sentence. Prolific!: She is including herself in the overall distaste of the team towards herself, AND repeating/stating the obvious which is often times construed as insulting/demeaning to the recipients. Personally, I thought she was one of those people that blacks out whenever dealing with numbers or clocks…you know those people? No? Well I can say that I was actually relieved to find out that she “is aware”, and it wasn’t mental defect. Like dyslexia.
4. “but that I have been making an effort and will continue to make more of an effort to be on time.” – She’s 3/3! In this sentence she breaks a big and obvious rule of etiquette: She uses the word “but”. The Perfect Apology says that under no instance is the word ‘but’ a good thing. It negates the validity of the prior statement, which is usually an admittance. Well I think we all agree that the prior statements aren’t going to strain the trash bag too much. Go ahead, Amy…Use ‘but’ all you please.
5. “ Two weeks ago (at Schadenfreude) I was one of the first people there, last week I was on time, and this week I walked in at 7:01. So, see? I’m trying.” – There was no specific rule that applied to this on the list of ‘Don’ts’, so I emailed the Perfect Apology to ask about this line and they replied, “Make sure she’s not still in ninth grade, and proceed with caution.” Rude people, huh?
6. “ If you don’t care about my excuse, stop reading now and know that I will try and be on time from here on out. “ – Again, no real specific rule broken, but I get the general feeling that it’s kind of insulting to assume that anyone DOES care about your excuse. However, you do write with such a grace that, much like drinking yourself to vomiting, after you’re already drunk, we all want to keep reading.
7. “I have heard before that lateness is a sign of arrogance-that by being late you are saying that you think what you are doing is more important than the scheduled thing, and I agree with that. In my case, though, it’s like 40% arrrogance (I could rush more) and 60% that Tuesday is the only day I work until 5 and I have to go home and walk the dog between work and rehearsal.” – As we come upon the philosophical portion of the apology, she mingles so many violations of the apology code together in this one. It’s like she made a casserole out of shame, abasement, and Sophocles, then offered each of us a bite from her marble pillar. Plus it holds a certain entitlement to forgiveness, which is the number 1 no-no!
8. “So it’s not like I’m sitting at home masturbating. I masturbate on Thursdays ususally.” – This is everyone’s favorite part, I think. The clearest of violations. Do not make jokes that could be interpreted as insincerity. It is funny, though.
9. “So, yeah. Sorry I am an asshole. An effort being made. And if I am going to be late I’ll call a few of you in case one of you doesn’t get the message.
Amy
P.S. Speaking of, I won’t be at rehearsal next week because I’m going to Florida.” – At this point I think that the Perfect Apology and all of us threw our hands into the air and gave way to “That’s just Amy”. Well done, comrade. No promises…
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